Home Ec: Why Don’t Schools Teach How to Run a Household?

I’m a social worker, and the population I work with are the chronically homeless. This means they’ve been homeless for 5 years or longer. Before I worked with this population, I viewed them mostly as lost causes. They seemed to me, so mentally ill, that there wasn’t anyway for them to come back. Or so drug addicted that it would take a miracle for them to become sober. But the more I work with these individuals, the more I’m noticing that they are more child like in nature than hopeless causes. And I don’t mean that in a diminutive way, but in a way that their actions and reasoning resembles that of a five to thirteen years old than of a fully matured adult. They are lacking the life skills to know how to take care of themselves. So what does this have to do with Home Ec.?

When I visit clients at their homes, I’ve noticed a trend of disorder. Usually, their homes are filled with trash, unwashed clothing and dishes, and a general sense of chaos. Their homes look as though they are being run by a pre-teen, lacking the knowledge to create the safe and stable environment they so desperately need to aid in their recovery. Their life on the streets was their reality for so long that they’ve forgotten how to do the most basic domestic tasks. Washing and folding laundry, taking out the garbage in a timely manner, knowing when trash day even is… But so would I if I were worried about where I was sleeping that night, or if I was going to be assaulted for what little I had.

You may think that this is an extreme example, and it is, but I’ve also noticed that the people I work with, friends and family, all have a somewhat unbalanced approach to taking care of the basics to some degree. The place where I work usually has options for lunch in the office. But they’re not the healthiest choices. Boxed mac & cheese and chocolate bars are a few examples.

When it comes to finances, a friend of mine is stockpiling money in their emergency fund to double the common wisdom of six month’s salary. For most, having $60K plus in your money market account just doesn’t make sense. Can you think of an instance that would suddenly occur where you need that much cash on hand? I can’t.

In the domestic life skills department, some of my family members, when it comes to keeping up with day to day cleaning tasks, are on either end of the spectrum. They either clean obsessively, or do so little that parts of the house go untouched for years. Neither approach is optimal for running a household. Nor for developing the necessary life skills to make your house or apartment feel more like a home. So what can we do about it?

Ok, There’s a Problem, But What’s The Solution?

I’m not saying that I have all the answers like a course for developing all necessary life skills. Or that having a clean, well run home will solve all of our problems. But it’s a start. I’ve noticed in the population I work with, how something as little as talking to customer service to replace a phone that’s stopped working unexpectedly can boost their sense of accomplishment and confidence in themselves. I’ve also noticed that when we clean the parts of the house that have gone largely unused, they turn into a place to gather. We can then fill them with warm memories instead of dust and clutter. And I plan on batch cooking some healthy meals (something I’ll be writing about in a later post) to bring into work to have healthier options. Maybe sparking a conversation about how important meal prep is, and the effect food has on your overall feelings of health and wellness.

It’s these small, but important life skills, the parts of domestic life that have been demonized by the outright rejection of the 50’s ideal house wife and her role as a home maker. The unsettling vision of the Stepford Wives are what, no doubt, fueled Beaty Freidan’s vehement fight for feminine autonomy. But should we really be throwing the baby out with the bathwater?

My inclination is no. I’m not saying to bring back the 50’s gender roles. In fact, I believe that there should be a greater focus on a home that includes all genders, and come up with a strategy that plays to each person’s strengths. For example, I’m talented in the areas of cooking and cleaning and I’ve got my budget down pretty tight. So it would make sense for me to spend more of my time taking care of these aspects of my home. And the end goal is to create a sanctuary. A peaceful and beautiful place that you can not only call home, but enjoy and be proud of. A space you’ve created and one that reflects who you are and how you want to be.

Division of Labor: Life Skills That Need Our Focus

So it’s in this spirit that I want to go over some of the areas that I feel have been over looked or neglected for too long. Be it culturally, by schools valuing STEM classes that focus on test scores over life skills, or in the family. This was the case for me, where both my parents were too busy working to support the family to teach me the basics.

I’m not trying throw shade or place blame on any one person or institution. From my experience, that does nothing but create hurt feelings and create an us vs. them culture. But I’ve also learned that we need to know where we’ve come from to know why we’re stuck, and what the experiences that shaped our current circumstances are, in order to move past them. And it’s not easy. But it’s doable.

Areas of The Home

Here is the short list of life skills I want to cover in general, here on the blog. Let’s take a look.

Cooking My parents’ and their parents’ generation were part of the “clean plates club“. So food insecurity was definitely alive and well in my family. My grandmother was also a model in the 50’s, adding another layer of shame to our mealtimes. But luckily I’ve been blessed to cook under some amazing chefs at the restaurants I’ve worked in. I’ll be sharing some of their recipes, and the routines I’ve developed to eat well and on a budget.

Cleaning Most of the houses and apartments I’ve lived in have been with people who either put too much emphasis on cleaning, or avoid it. For me anyway, it’s important for the home I live in to feel clean. But I also want it to reflect my personality, and to utilize the space that I’m inhabiting. In short, I want to make my space my own, comfortable, clean and cozy. Instead of turning it into a living memorial to the values, objects and patterns of neglect from my past.

Finance This is one of the life skills I learned the hard way. Not that the other lessons were easy ones, but money in my family, much like sex and emotions, were jealously guarded. Talking about money in my family was outright feared. Not only because of the value we placed on it, but also the feelings insecurity around it. Not to mention the wounds we inflicted on one another by using eachother for funds we didn’t have. Money was a resource that we valued more than our relationships with one another. But I’ve learned that money is a useful tool that we can use to live a life that brings us joy, not be worried about it.

Design I truly believe that good design matters. Your home and your surroundings effect your mind, body and soul. If you are surrounded by items, colors and images that reflect your personality, you will find yourself in a place that feels serene and inviting. Sanctuary. The opposite is also true. So I’m going to be spending some time on how we can develop our own unique styles in order to find the pieces that bring us peace and ease. That call us home.

General Maintenance & Upkeep I don’t have a ton of experience with this set of life skills, but it’s something I’m changing. Only recently have I been able to learn how to care for and the general upkeep of my physical space. And it feels good. I’ve also been helping friends renovate the basement of a local arts association. And am learning some amazing skills in the process. From fixing a squeaky hinge on a door, to repointing a fieldstone wall, I’ll be going over the projects I’m involved in, have done, or are on the horizon.

Time Management & Scheduling The ability to run a household and do it well, depends on how well able you are at managing your time. If you’re over extend, spreading yourself too thin, chances are that important things will fall through the cracks. Creating boundaries around your time and energy is vital to keeping you and your household running smoothly.

Family Relationships As much as some of us don’t like to admit it, part of running a household is being with eachother in a healthy way. I’ve been a social worker, not a trained therapist, but I’ve experienced some pretty intense relationships, and have navigated my way through them successfully. I did this with the help of trusted friends and a therapist (thanks guys). So I’ll be dropping what little knowledge I’ve gathered along the way to help create a little more harmony in the home.

Art & Style I’m also drawn to the arts, which I think most of us are. I love how a style can come together to create a unique theme and extension of our personalities. Lately I’ve been taking photos of graffiti I find around Boston and the surrounding areas (I’ll be putting up a gallery of these finds on the blog). Having these interests is something that brings that little extra touch to your home, and imprinting your personality on your space. I’ll show you how I find mine, and cultivate them into something tangible.

Turning In For The Night

With the above areas in mind, I’ll be exploring the different ways I’ve taught myself to make my home feel more like a place to gather, create and strengthen bonds of love. Instead of focusing on how pretty it is to somebody else’s standards. Or clean it to the point or sterility. For those who are looking for a place to build true connections and find sanctuary, it can feel overwhelming.

There are loads of advertisers selling us what they tell us we “need” to make a loving home for ourselves. For example I walked by an ad for a popular children’s clothing line today, and the five year-old child was giving me a smug, condescending look. When companies are targeting demographics that young and the parents are buying in, what chance do the children have in breaking free from the cycle of buying happiness and belonging?

Let’s focus less on how sexy we look and start looking at what really matters, eachother. Because what we really need to be happy is already at our fingertips. Love, acceptance of ourselves and each other, and kindness. And maybe a lentil soup recipe (; Hopefully, we’ll find some of the answers along the way. Peace & Thanks for Reading 🏔️🌙💜💙