Design & Spirit: How Cultivating Your Style Fills Your Soul

Style and self expression. I imagine if you ask the average person if they know what they like, they’d say “yes”. But I think they may be hard pressed to pinpoint what they like, or what makes them happy. Knowing these things may seem like a no-brainer, but from my experience it most definitely is not.

I’ve noticed that we’re drawn to groups and cultures for whatever reason. They’re comforting to us, feel like home. But unfortunately we get derailed along the path, and most of us get sucked into pop culture. But this is a homogenized version of style and generic. I recently started a new job in Boston, MA, and one of the ice breakers I was asking folks is what music they’re listening to. Almost everyone I asked said R&B and hip hop. It seemed strange that everybody had the exact same answer. As though there was a daily email that has a list of things to be into. But when I pushed further for specific recs, they were at a loss to say who they liked. I like D’Angelo myself for R&B. Check out the albums, “Brown Sugar” or “Voodoo” if you’re looking for some R&B to grove to. But why is it so hard to honestly know what we like?

Why is Self Expression So Elusive?

I think it has to do with fear and ignorance. Fear because we’re afraid of what others will think of us if we share what we truly love, or go against the status quo. Ignorance because we just don’t know what we like. We spend our time worrying about how others see us and how we won’t belong if we don’t like the same things that they do, and then we neglect ourselves in cultivating our own style. So we never explore what we like/are like. But what I’ve realized is, that you don’t have to be like someone, to be liked by someone. Or more importantly, to like ourselves.

Stop Worrying About What the Person on the Train Thinks of You

I commute into the city for work. My commute is about an hour, and I take two trains, a bus, and walked a mile to get there. Aside from this being a terrible commute, I’ve also witnessed the latest trends on these long rides. Mostly women, who I empathize with, because there is more value placed on how a woman looks in our culture than men, but one trend that’s on the rise is comically long, bedazzled and manicured fingernails.

I spoke with a high school student at a local trendy coffee shop and she told me that it costs $70 every three weeks to get their nails did. That’s approximately $1,213 a year. That’s a lot of cash. And where are high school students getting this kind of money? But the one that really worries me is the Marc Jacobs, “The Tote” bag.

What really makes my blood boil is the bag looks like something I would use. It’s simple design has a utilitarian look and feel, and some are made from natural materials. The one I see and like the most is made of straw. Arguable the cheapest material you can make a product from, which is essentially grass. You may be wondering “how much does this bag cost?” If you head over to Marc Jacob’s webpage, the straw bag costs the most. “The Tote“, straw bag costs $595 dollars. For context, a comparable bag on Etsy costs $3. And you can put your name on the $3 bag instead of some guy’s name who you’ve never met. That’s a $592 markup. And if you’re buying it as a status symbol, just write your salary on the bag instead. Just as effective, right? (;

I’m joking, but what’s so sad is that most of the women on the train carrying these bags are sporting the same look as the women modeling them on the retailers websites. It’s a look of contempt. I’m angry, it’s probably because of you, and you better not come near me. Probably because they just paid $600 for their bags. What’s so heartbreaking about all of this is, that if you look long and deeper at these women, you can see the same fear and vulnerability in their eyes as the models. And if you make eye contact with them on the train (or most people for that matter), they look shocked. They immediately avert their eyes as if they’ve done something wrong, guilty for some imagined offence. I’m focusing on these women and their totes, but this insecurity and fear is ubiquitous in city life. Male, female or other.

Avoiding Connection

Another trend I see on my commute is if you look down the rows of people populating the seats, almost everyone of them is on their phones. If I close my eyes on the train, it feels as though I’m completely alone, even though I’m surrounded by approximately 224 people (the amount of seats on a typical MBTA commuter rail car). So the women who are spending close to $600 on their bags, which I’m assuming is for status or belonging, aren’t being acknowledged because no one is actually looking at them anyways. So if we’re all sitting next to one another, training ourselves not to care, my question is, what’s the point?

As a form of rebellion against this dissociation, I’ve been trying to make eye contact with my fellow commuters and smile. No one seems to notice or react at all. They’re so enraptured by their phones and fear, that they don’t dare look away or up and make eye contact. Or if they do, they avert their gaze with a swift look of guilt. I told my coworker about my attempts to connect and they said that that seemed “aggressive”. When smiling is taken as an act of aggression, there’s a problem.

I’ll admit, I do feel a little guilty. As though I’m abusing those who are still held captive by their fear. But it won’t do anybody any good if I mirror their demeanor. I’ve learned you will be uncomfortable sometimes and you have to sit through it. Or else you will be controlled by the fear. The way out is through.

Gender Roles & Style, Our Personal Prisons

I think some of the problem is from what’s expected of us societally. I love design. When I was 5 I remember building a house out of Legos to the specs of the picture on the box. It felt cozy. Like the ideal picture of a perfect home. Fast forward to the present, and I still love the way my curated surroundings bring me joy. As though they’re reflecting back the parts of my personality I like most. They embrace me with comfort and ease. The ambient mix of patterns and colors that are in the background sooths me. The scents that waft through the room and the creature comforts that bring me ease are relaxing. Sanctuary. But this love of mine was not fostered by my family, nor by the masculine culture I was steeped in. So why the fearful lack of self expression?

In the world above, the man’s job was to work and drink whiskey, and the women folk took care of all things domestic while drinking vodka. The “woman’s” work included; cooking, cleaning, child rearing and taking care of their man.

Those roles had me feeling as though I needed to fill the mold cast for me. And I tried to, to fit in. For a long time I modeled myself after a combination of role models that embodied this masculine culture. Jim Morrison and Jay-Z were my main mentors. But eventually I came to, realizing that not only was it a self destructive path, but I was also not being true to myself.

What my “man mold” looked like, was sitting in my room in one of my earlier apartments, behind my Pottery Barn desk, with a decanter of Irish whiskey, glass four fingers full and neat, looking at a Pottery Barn catalogue and an ad for the Audi TT roadster, while wearing designer clothes and cologne. I was looking out over my room from the vantage point of the desk I didn’t use, cold and sparce, thinking about the things I wanted that I thought would make me happy. But I wasn’t.

How Did I Find My Style?

Fast forward 20 years, and my room’s a third the size, filled with furniture that was built by my grandfather, and decorated with small, colorful items that bring me joy. And I’m as happy as I’ve ever been with my living space. All because I found my style and comfort in hippy culture.

Persian Influence

There are as many unique styles as there are individuals. And we often gravitate towards certain cultures. I fell in love with, and relate to, hippy culture the most. Their gypsy life style, reminiscent of Persian culture, with their brightly colored Marrakesh spice markets, textiles and architecture, are vibrant with natural qualities that come together to create a sense of cozy for me. That aesthetic just feels like home.

This love stems from fond memories of my childhood. Trips to the local apple orchard and feeling one with my family and nature in a wholesome way (that and apple cider donuts). The Allman Brothers album cover (and music), “Brothers and Sister“, embodies this feeling for me.

Talavera style probably influenced The Dead’s album art, “Skull and Roses” (their trademark skeleton lovingly named Bertha), or their greatest hits album, Skeletons From the Closet, along with there song, “Mexicali Blues“, which depicts the bands influence by Mexican Culture. And the original drawing and inspiration for the cover is from 11th century Persia, around the time the gypsy life style began. What the Dead’s fanbase emulated by touring around the country in modern day caravans. No wonder I was hooked.

Also, some of my fonder memories are of my family going to a local Mexican restaurant. I remember really enjoying the rich and cheesy dishes along with the decor and feeling surrounded by people enjoying themselves. These experience laid the foundation for my love of food, the atmosphere felt like that of a holiday, and the decor and colors were as rich as the food.

Indian Roots

Indian culture and its colorful and unique style, similarly to Mexican Talavera, also calls to me. I remember being enraptured by Tibetan prayer flags in high school during the mid 90’s, when the Free Tibet movement gained popularity. I’m drawn to the brightly contrasting colors, and if you take these artistic elements, mix them with ambient lighting, and I’m transported to Nirvana. But enough about me, what do you like? What brings you joy? What calls to you?

Do You

So if the person sitting next to you on the train doesn’t notice your $600 bag, or if you’re highlighter yellow with a third arm, why feel afraid of what they think of you? No one’s looking anyway, so why not find what makes you truly happy and go to it? That way, you’ll not only get to know yourself that much more, but you’ll also feel much more comfortable in your skin (and probably clothing as well). Like Tom Wait’s says, the weirdos are usually more interesting, “Most of the people I admire, they usually smell funny and don’t get out much…” But how do you find what makes you happy if you’ve been consuming what you’ve been told to consume by the media and popular culture?

Exploring Your Roots

Maybe start by taking a look inside and seeing where you were most happy, then recognizing that happiness in your surroundings. How it’s reflected by your actions and the people you are closest to. What feels good to you and feels true to who you are. What are the past experiences that made you feel connected to people and places in a healthy way? What are the colors that you feel most connected to? Or the trinkets you keep around to remind you of your fond memories? What about those memories bring you comfort? Exploring these things, places and experiences will help to point you in the right direction. Toward authentic self expression and aesthetic, aka your style.

You also don’t have to buy your way into happiness. If you really want to buy the $600 bag, go for it. But only if it’s what you really want and what makes you happy. For example, and ironically, I collect tote bags. They’re a fraction of the price of the Marc Jacobs’ bag, and I’ve collected them from different events or things I’m into. I have a few from the Boston Vegetarian Food Fest, and one from This American Life, a radio program on NPR hosted by Ira Glass. These are some of the experiences and things that I reminded of when I see my bag, and that make me happy.

What are the things that make you happy? Truly happy? When was the last time you looked at something and felt satisfied? Was it a vacation you took? A culture you felt connected with while traveling? Maybe it was something you made that you are proud of? Or something that you made with a loved one, or was handed down to you from someone you love. Or maybe, like me, you found something that put the hook into you from an early age. Something that called to your spirit and drew you into its embrace. These are the places you will find what you like, and what you are like. Then you can live your life from this authentic place knowing that you are unapologetically you. And you won’t care what your commuter buddies think, and it’ll be easier to attempt to make eye contact with them (or at least me:).

Do It With Love

When I first started trying to making eye contact with people on my commute, I was angry. Very few people were willing to be vulnerable enough to make the smallest of connections. I thought I was better than them if they didn’t look because I was brave enough to make a connection. But then I realized that I was me feeling lonely. I felt rejected, and I felt as though I were the one making all the effort.

But I think there in lies the trap. Because I do have connections with some people. Those closest to me, and those are the relationships that truly matter to me, and not the person ignoring me on the subway. It’s about the people I see day in and day out that I care the most about. Who share my values and know me, get me and accept me for who I am. And I think that’s something we all need. To feel accepted for who we are and the consistency of showing up for each other. And who knows, maybe somebody will smile back on the train and I’ll make a new friend.

I’m not here to tell you what to buy to make you feel more you. I don’t think there’s some magic cure-all that will make you know what you like or what your style is. But I think it’s about how honest you are with yourself. Knowing if you feel good doing something, or if what you’re wearing is actually something that speaks to you and your sense of self expression. Not what you see advertised or what your friends are buying.

And if your friends make fun of you, or reject you on some level for doing what makes you feel like your authentic self, maybe they’re not such good friends after all. So if you’re looking to feel more you and find your true style, spend some time with yourself and honestly judge the things that you’re doing and people you surround yourself with. Do they make you feel at home and at ease? Do you really like the taste of beer? Maybe you’re a tea drinker instead of coffee. Do you like to get your nails did? Is that what makes you feel more yourself? Keep asking these questions, and eventually you’ll get to know who you are and your style. Peace, & thanks for reading :)🏔️🌙

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