I got the inspo for this post after writing DIYing your own laundry detergent. I actually started writing this blog at a laundromat I used to go to, and It’s been a special place to me ever since. And it may be able to help you with tidying up your thoughts and emotions also. But don’t worry, you don’t have to do any laundry, for those of you who get a bit squeamish about doing housework. Let me explain.
Confusing Love With Abuse
Knowing what feels loving or abusive isn’t as intuitive as you may think. Most of us crave the intimate connections usually associated with close friends and family. But if we’ve been bruised in relationships, especially by those closest, then what’s been defined for us as caring may actually be abusive. What made this so confusing for me was that my family looked the part, said the right things, but it was all just a façade.
Because sometimes our families, friends, and society, tell us that our connections are healthy and loving, but their actions and behaviors are anything but. We rebel against their form of love, maybe intuitively, not knowing it’s abuse and thinking we’re the ones who are wrong for rebelling, because we’re confused. We also make fun of Hallmark movies and scoff at Valentine’s Day, because that’s what our abusers pretended to value. But what’s most likely happened is that we’ve confused abuse for love, because they are also confused. Let me explain.
Getting Lost in the Maze
In my family abuse took the form of substance and verbal. We drank to numb our emotions so we couldn’t feel the pain from our verbally attacks on one another. We also confused sex for intimacy, by thinking that being sexually desired was substitute for love and affection. We bought designer clothing to make us feel as though we’re attractive enough to be worthy of keeping around because we’re “pretty enough”. And we didn’t value eachother for being authentically ourselves, but believed that how worthy we are of love was determined by how desired we are sexually to popular culture’s standards. Though I think we knew this, but instead of rebelling against it, we resented eachother for it.
The Difference Between Retribution & Rebellion
Retribution
I think when we realize that we’re being abused, are instinct is to retaliate. But it’s important not to. This is what I meant when I said we resented this cycle of revenge but couldn’t see how to break free. If you organize your relationships around teaching those who’ve hurt you a lesson, trying to make them feel how they made you feel, you’re carrying on a legacy of hurt. You end up being just as abusive, using self-righteousness as your weapon, and everybody hurts. And you can’t feel better about yourself by tearing somebody else down. That’s just not how it works. If you define your self-worth by stripping another of their dignity, then that means you see people as not being inherently valuable, or worse. Or that there’s a finite amount of self-worth and we need to take it from someone because we don’t have it intrinsically. Life’s not a competition (and maybe why I don’t like competitive sports).
Rebellion
However, you can rebel against the abuse that your family or culture’s confused for love, without attempting to strip them of their dignity. Or shame them with retribution. But you need to create the life and culture you desire, then model that healthier way of being for them. And the trick is, to do it without being sucked into the wake of your old ways of relating with one another. You may need to retreat from your family and friends for awhile. While you learn to listen inwardly and to reorganize your thoughts and emotions. But in so doing you’ll be building the foundation of the place that houses your inner peace. Which brings us to the laundr-o-mat.
Why Doing Laundry Brought Me An Easy, Peaceful Feeling
When I was young I didn’t have a lot of safe places to go. I roamed the streets of my seaside-hometown, searching for safe harbors with friends who were in the same boat. We were mostly looking for someone to buy us booze so we could get drunk at the beach and not feel how unsafe we felt. Not having a safe and supportive home also led to me sort of dropping out of high school in the nineth grade. I say sort of because I went to school everyday, I just didn’t go to classes. If you don’t have a place where you feel supported, you’re most likely not going to do your homework.
What my teenage self really wanted was a comforting, loving home, and as I said above, this wasn’t the home I knew. But they weren’t all bad experiences. Some of my normal teenage memories are of talking with my friends on the phone while playing videogames. Or listening to and talking about our favorite bands’ new albums, while my mom did laundry in the background. This is one of the few memories where I felt at ease with family, sitting in my warm, clean kitchen while talking to the people who I felt a sense of belonging with, could relate to, who made me feel cool, like I was a part of something bigger. I felt supported, cared for and loved, and all in a warm and clean setting.
Fast forward 20 years and I found myself moving in with my family again due to not having anywhere to go after a series of failed romantic relationships. About two years into living there, our washing machine broke and we never replaced it. Instead we went to a local laundr-o-mat.
Sure it was frustrating and inconvenient at times. Having to go to the neighboring town and lugging two full laundry baskets back and forth in the heat, cold, rain and snow, wasn’t ideal. But I gained a sense of appreciation for those bi-weekly trips. They reminded me of the cozier times in my childhood kitchen, and feelings of being cared for. So what made the laundr-o-mat such a peaceful place? Let’s take a look at some of the ways it soothed me, and see where else those cozy qualities reside, or how I bring them into fruition.
Cozy Criteria
Organized
When I arrived at the laundromat I spent the first five minutes cleaning up. I lined the rolling baskets against the long, mirrored, back wall, and picked up the trash that was on the ground. There wasn’t much to do really. The place was already clean, and even the trash was clean. Think dryer sheets and lint. But having that ritual of bringing order to the place where I was going to spend time organizing my life was important. It made me feel like I was responsible for bring order to my surrounds, and my internal self.
Because if a place is steeped in chaos, then my brain won’t stop trying to make sense of, and bring order to it. I have a running joke that I tell people: “If you leave me unattended for long enough, I’ll find something to clean.” This may get a laugh, but it’s also true.
I think the main reason I feel the need to organize so intensely is because my childhood home was so unpredictable, that it left me feeling confused about what I thought love and safety was. What I was told love was, was actually abuse. And my thinking is, that if I can clean my surroundings enough, I’ll feel relief from the chaos within. It won’t quell all of my emotional uncertainties, but it helps. Removing yourself from visual chaos is important if your goal is to feel at ease. And organization is the first step.
Clean
If organization is the first step, then cleanliness is the second. A cozy place for me means that it needs to be dirt free. I love this photo on the left because it captures the sentiment of, if you treat your surroundings like a garbage can, you’ll feel like garbage. This was something I heard often growing up, and spoke about in my post on cleaning candle soot off of my walls.
Where you put things matters, and is a large part of cleanliness. Like the above identical bins; one holding neatly stacked cup holders and the other disorganized trash. But also keep in mind that the vessel does not inform the purpose of it’s contents. And if you organize your things in a place that’s dirty, it’s only partially clean. It’s like organizing your things in a dirty trash barrel. This is why having a clean place to organize your thoughts and emotions is so important. You’re telling yourself that you’re worth the effort it takes to clean a cozy space for you to relax in.
Warm & Well Lit
Another aspect of the laundr-o-mat that appeals to me is that it imbues a sense of cleanliness because its purpose is to clean. And that it’s warm and well lit is part of that clean. I loved organizing my life surrounded by the heat being thrown from the driers while the sounds of soapy suds scrubbed away dirt and grime. And the fresh scents, all kinds, of detergents and drier sheets wafted through the well lighted air around me. The atmosphere felt clean and cozy. So how do you find these spaces for yourself?
Finding Your Place of Peace
This looks different for everyone. As well as going to the laundr-o-mat, I like retreating to a local café and slowly going through my to-do list with snacks at the ready. Preferably on a rainy or snowy day like the photos above. There’s peace in sitting in a cozy, warm place, watching things slowdown while rain gently drips from the sky, or the snow flies, and feels similar to when I’m at the laundr-o-mat, surrounded by the sounds of soapy clothing being scrubbed. Much the way rain scrubs the earth after a good storm.
Once you decide to break free from your friends’ and family’s unhealthy expectations, and find what truly brings you happiness, you may discover that you prefer rainy days to sunny ones. Or instead of getting wasted at the local bar or club and making bad choices, you prefer a quiet night in. Listening to music, crafting, reading, or just having a conversation with good people. You’ll know what peace looks like for you when you start to notice the people and places that evoke in you a sense of anxiety or ease. Then all you need to do is stay away from the fear and go towards the peace 🙂
And What if I Don’t Have Any Laundry to Do?
That’s the best part. You don’t have to do laundry while you’re at the laundr-o-mat. If you feel self conscious about being somewhere where you’re not paying for their services, no worries. People will probably just assume that you’re doing laundry. As long as you’re not causing a ruckus, people will most likely leave you be while you listen to some tunes and relax. Selfcare and it’s free? Win, win.
It would also be a great opportunity to take up a new hobby. Sewing, keeping with the clothing theme is a good one and a lost art. I wish I had a photo of the comically large pants I sewed in high school to post. Writing or drawing are good options as well. Or if you want you can wash things that you wouldn’t normally do in your machine at home. Pro Tip: You can toss your yoga mat in the washing machine on a gentile cycle. Just don’t put it in the dryer, instead let it line dry.
Suggestions for cozy, cheap places: the library, cafés as I said above, the beach if you prefer to be outdoors. Maybe there’s a courtyard in the city you live in, or a place in the woods you like to go to. Your woodshop, or maybe even a room in your house. Start by surrounding yourself with the things you like. Then finding your peace will come intuitively.
What if You Don’t Even Know Where to Begin?
Meditation helped me sort, and make sense of my thoughts and emotions. It also showed me how badly I needed peace. It helped me understand the detrimental patterns in my relationships and lent me clarity on how to brake them. Then I created my own happiness by choosing to surrounded myself with the people, places and things that allowed me to feel at peace, loved and accepted. After that, all I had left to do was to be happy.
Sure, that’s a lot of work. But finding peaceful places like the laundr-o-mat helps. There you are, surround by a gentle scrubbing and a peaceful atmosphere, instead of blurry, drunken nights at dingy bars. Which sounds more appealing to you? Try going to a busy bar and not drink, but stay till close. It’s amazing the difference. You’ll never think about the bar in the same way.
A Fresh Start
The laundr-o-mat helped me to unthaw. To feel safe enough to listen inward and organize my life from a place where I felt like a healthier version of myself. And not having to endure hurtful remarks or make poor choices because it was all I knew.
I learned which emotions were being conjured by what person or situation. I was then able to organize my new world around this new perspective. I now feel more free from the influences of my past experiences and patterns. I now know what makes me feel at ease, and I’m no longer looking for someone else for that comfort. Instead I’m trusting myself to take care of myself. I’m creating the peace I desire, and no longer outsourcing that job to someone who I think knows me better than I do.
So friends, if you’re looking to bring some order to your internal world, and find more peace and ease in the process, know that you are not only capable of doing so, you already have everything you need to make it happen. You just have to fill the machine with your soul, and some soap, and I suggest using the gentle cycle ( ; Peace & Thanks for Reading : ) 🏔️🌙
Leave a Reply